Sex Quotes

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Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled.
Harlan Ellison


Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.
Casey Stengel


Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.
Lord Chesterfield


Virginity can be lost by a thought.
St. Jerome


The tragedy is when you've got sex in the head instead of down where it belongs.
D.H. Lawrence


Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Rita Rudner


Pornography is supposed to arouse sexual desires. If pornography is a crime, when will they arrest makers of perfume? ~Richard Fleischer


Sex is the great amateur art. The professional, male or female, is frowned on: he or she misses the point, and spoils the show.
David Cort


The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water: not before or after, but instead.
Unknown


Instruction in sex is as important as instruction in food; yet not only are our adolescents not taught the physiology of sex, but never warned that the strongest sexual attraction may exist between persons so incompatible in tastes and capacities that they could not endure living together for a week much less a lifetime.
George Bernard Shaw


Were kisses all the joys in bed,
One woman would another wed.
~William Shakespeare


Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Woody Allen


Isn't it interesting how the sounds are the same for an awful nightmare and great sex?
From the television show The Golden Girls


Vanity, revenge, loneliness, boredom, all apply: lust is one of the least of the reasons for promiscuity.
Mignon McLaughlin


Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
Unknown


The reproduction of mankind is a great marvel and mystery. Had God consulted me in the matter, I should have advised him to continue the generation of the species by fashioning them out of clay.
Martin Luther


When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. Frederike Ryder


My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
Bob Hope


Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Murray Banks


Anticipation makes the hard-on longer.
Itsby Stevintary


I once knew a woman who offered her honor
So I honored her offer
And all night long I was on her and off her.
Unknown


Those who have prophesied dreadful consequences as a result of the greater sexual freedom which the young assert - unwanted babies, venereal disease and so on - are usually the very same people who seek the fulfillment of their prophecies by opposing the free availability to the young of contraception and the removal of the stigma and mystification that surround venereal disease.
Colin Ward, Anarchy in Action


Be naughty - save Santa a trip.
Unknown


An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it, the harder it gets. Unknown


Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
Jayne Mansfield


I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults.
Gore Vidal


Hornover: what one wakes up with the morning after a night of getting too horny without release.
Sommeil Liberosensa


The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on.
Unknown


Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Unknown


I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.
Jay McInerney


I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
Unknown


A student undergoing a word-association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex. He replied frankly: "Because everything does."
Honor Tracy


How lucky we are that we can reach our genitals instead of that spot on our back that itches. Flash Rosenberg


The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
Gloria Leonard


Sex is interesting, but it's not totally important. I mean it's not even as important (physically) as excretion. A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement.
Charles Bukowski


When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.
Matt Groening


There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
P.J. O'Rourke


I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
J. Edgar Hoover


Pornography is the attempt to insult sex, to do dirt on it.
D.H. Lawrence


I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
Unknown


Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.
S.J. Perelman


It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.
Mrs. Patrick Campbell


A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
Karl Kraus


Never let the little head do the thinking for the big head.
Unknown


Our love could change the orbit of the earth. So, if a meteor ever comes hurtling towards earth with the guarantee of destruction, top scientists may call on us to, well, you know, do it like crazy for the sake of humankind.
Unknown


Nothing risqué, nothing gained.
Alexander Woollcott


My cock doesn't talk politics.
Stephal Sachs


To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it.
Cary Grant


Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa.
Dorothy Parker


My message to businessmen of this country when they go abroad on business is that there is one thing above all they can take with them to stop them catching AIDS, and that is the wife.
Edwina Currie


[T]he common thread that binds nearly all animal species seems to be that males are willing to abandon all sense and decorum, even to risk their lives, in the frantic quest for sex.
Randy Thornhill and Craig T. Palmer


Now, if groups like Moral Majority have their way, there won't be any sex education at school, and our kids will be the dumbest in the world when it comes to sex.... But our parents are sexually retarded too.... Fear and primitive morals are creating a sexual pressure-cooker in this country and soon the top will blow.... Only in the U.S. do we find children drawing a picture of a baby coming from the clouds or from under a cabbage leaf.
Floyd Martinson